Quarantine | Growth & Change

The first half of quarantine felt like it was filled with a false sense of healing. Here, in Texas, everything was "slowly" opening back up. The way many public places filled up certainly didn't reflect any presence of a pandemic. Unfortunately, thousands continue to pay the price with their health. Months of staying home have introduced so many creative ways to stay occupied and even pushed my family to grow our own garden (of course, for various reasons, too). I felt no dire need to leave my home unless it was truly necessary. With all these new lifestyle changes, once again, I began to reflect on my own experience and personal growth. 

The way I spend my money has changed.

Around the beginning of my transition into acting was when I believe my behavior with money started to change. I mean- it really just had to. Even after what I earned at my previous day job and booking gigs for the experience; an allowance was still difficult to come by, so I had to decide what was worth putting my money into – especially now. Instead of throwing away spare cash towards things, I thought I “needed”, I’ve been investing more on items and resources that will enhance my skills and feed my creativity. Outside of obligations, I've found that I’m more satisfied for a longer period after purchasing books or painting supplies instead of trendy splurges (usually fashion). Right now, the pressure to make money has been the heaviest it’s ever been and for most of us, unfortunately, it’s taken a pandemic to reveal where we really are with our finances.

I’ve grown to love my face.

A lot of what I haven't spent money on is makeup. Staying home made it easier for me to really just get ready for me. I saw improvements in my skin and became more aware of changes in my health through my complexion. One day, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself- like really looked at myself. I took it all in- my beautiful Asian features the most. It sounds kind of silly, but I found myself truly realizing, "this is me." At twenty-five, it's given me overwhelming love for who I am and where I come from.

My process is beautiful.

I’m always so hard on myself when it comes to the creative work I do. I feel like many artists can relate. No one really sees the number of scrapped works that go unpublished, whether its writing, film, or photography. Much of my process is spent trying to catch thoughts that travel faster than light which is incredibly frustrating. No one really sees that agonizing part where I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. It certainly feels like grasping for miracles-being able to push beyond that. It’s something unique to the person that I am and that is so crazy to fathom.
The process is beautiful if you just let it be. 

Now, I just let it be.


Up until recently, I've been really insecure about my natural lashes. They were never as nice and long, curly or voluminous as my friends'. I fell in love with falsies (false lashes) and it became a way for me to hide that insecurity, which really only intensified later on. It took me a long time to face that and that's okay. I want to say that modeling helped me with that but I don't think it had that effect. Instead, acting helped me see how beautiful and more important my human experience was and that opened the door I'd thought I'd already unlocked about my self image.


The importance of pacing myself.

It’s not like we didn’t know this before, though, right? Quarantine has all forced us to feel the feelings we’ve tried to bury and avoid. We all finally got to face ourselves, each other, and our world more and that has been deeply overwhelming for so many.

I've learned the importance of keeping steady when exposing one’s self to media. More than ever, it’s imperative that we all do research on the things we share, open our minds to take constructive criticism, and grasp selflessness to make the positive changes we want to see. 

Before I expose myself to news, I take the time to understand my feelings and center my mind before diving into anything media. I feel this has helped me become less distressed by what I’m consuming which has happened more this year than any year before.

Honestly, what has devastated me nearly as much as what’s been going on, has been the complete lack of empathy from those I personally know and follow on social media. As someone who has artistically collaborated with most of these individuals, I was deeply disappointed with the kind of content they chose to share on their platforms during such a critical time in history. As an immigrant and person of color, their prolonged decision to remain complacent betrayed the respect I had for them and the trust I gave them as an artist. This feeling has made me feel unsure and not supported by the community I consider myself a part of and I feel it's going to take some time to center.
I hope and pray for positive changes to continue happening in all our hearts.
Let us always go in Love.


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