Take the Time
There was a concept I came up with a few weeks ago that I was itching to work on: a dark room, high contrast, tailored outfits, a mysterious person that you might want to wonder about. Who is she? What is she up to? Interesting ideas swirled all around me.
I chose this concept to explore my take on portrait and editorial style photography. The outfit I curated consisted of pieces from my own closet, pieces from Aritzia I'd invested in before and after my time there as a personal stylist. I did my own makeup and styled my own hair to best fit the mood I desired. I think I got the idea while doing a care sweep of my most worn items of the season (iron, clean off lint, fixing threads, etc. It's a whole process but it makes my pieces last longer. I recommend). During that time, I prepared the first three tailored outfits to showcase. Ultimately, I decided that the first outfit edits spoke so much on their own that I felt it needed its own highlighting moment. I'm very pleased with how it turned out and I'm not surprised that changes happened along the way.
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"I know that connecting with myself on a deeper level will echo into the art I choose to share with the world..."
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I find that my best ideas form when I'm not pulling my hair out for them. When I come up with a solid idea, I like to let them sit on their own for a while- y'know, just to allow for new (and possibly better ideas) to melt their way naturally into one another before I begin physically working on the final product- at least when it comes to creatively directing photoshoots. I feel it's so much more enjoyable that way for me and I wish I learned to appreciate my creative processes sooner.
With different art forms come different processes (at least for myself). My headspace as an actor is different from my headspace as a photographer, as a writer, as a filmmaker. Each role requires me to grasp a different set of skills and so I had to learn to adjust. Jumping back and forth from one headspace to another can be confusing and overwhelming. For most of my life, my goal was to pursue a stable occupation in dentistry and it took a lot of time for me to recognize and absorb all of these changes as I began to juggle different roles in a new industry.
There was a point where making art (apart from my work as an actor) did become overwhelming. I found that my overconsumption of so many different things in a short period of time (eight months honestly flew by for me) made me feel pressured to quickly produce something- anything. I don't believe that's how it should ever be.
Suddenly, I began feeling inadequate as an artist because there seemed I had nothing solid to show for all my hard work. I didn't acknowledge that I had accomplished so much already with all that I'd learned and experienced over these past few months. I gained so much from all the test shoots and sleepless nights of writing, grasping at the sudden rush of inspiration that poor mental health tirelessly continue to steal from me. I was so distracted by my imposter syndrome (which remains an occasional struggle) that I also failed to recognize that I was building my experiences for acting. I took my time to understand the varying ways I move between each craft and it's been invaluable to my growth.
When my goals began to evolve later this year, there came the moments where I had to let some things go for a little while. One of the things I decided to put on pause earlier in the year was YouTube. Nearing the end of the Spring, my mental health began dwindling once more, and I entered another very dark season for a lengthy period of time. After posting several videos and archiving a few, I became inactive for several months to learn more about filmmaking and take photography seriously. I knew I didn't have to let my YouTube channel go silent for so long but I knew myself and I wanted to spend quality time leaning into the skills I wanted to develop. So here I am: still diving into film, building my photographer's portfolio, and experiencing life as much as I can to better my auditions (among other things).
I spend more time following my intuition these days. I allow my goals to evolve and diverge and I don't let myself feel terrible if I decide to make u-turns. I'm so privileged to have creative opportunities present themselves to me and I allow myself to be selective with the work that I do in hopes of having meaningful and positive impacts. I know who I am regardless of what society or anyone else may imagine me to be and I take myself seriously when I need to. I know that connecting with myself on a deeper level will echo into the art I choose to share with the world and I hope that eventually, it'll all speak for itself.
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